Ask a Life Coach
Creating Boundaries Around Writing Time
by Kendra Levin on 08/12/11"I have a full-time office job and a busy after-work/weekend schedule, so I have to fit my writing into very specific times when I am home and in front of my computer. I have a wonderful roommate who is extremely supportive of my writing, though she is not a writer herself. Unfortunately, she often takes my being home and in front of my computer as an invitation to strike up a conversation with me. I usually reply by snapping at her, because I'm frustrated that something is interrupting my brief writing time. How can I maintain my positive relationship with my roommate-- and not be a total jerk to her-- while still feeling like I'm maximizing my productivity during my designated 'productive time'?"
Nearly every writer has struggled with this: How can you create firm, reliable boundaries around your writing time without alienating the people in your life? It's clear that you highly value your relationship with your roommate, and that you are sensitive to her feelings; at the same time, I'm hearing that your writing is a high priority for you. Luckily, these two things can certainly be reconciled.
As I'm sure you've experienced before, an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship involves letting the other person know when they're doing something to frustrate you. The fact is, nine times out of ten, the person will be completely surprised. I get the sense that your roommate doesn't realize that what she's doing is creating an issue for you, and that she might behave differently if she knew. As the saying goes, knowledge is power: if you let her know the impact of her behavior, she'll be able to make a better-informed choice about her actions in the future.
It sounds to me like this is a conversation you don't relish having with her, but it seems like it's an important one to go through with, for the future of your relationship and for your writing. How have you broached other delicate issues with her in the past, and how has she reacted? Think about a time when the two of you had a potentially difficult but ultimately constructive conversation. What worked about that dialogue? What can you apply to this situation? (As roommates, I'd be very surprised if you haven't already had a conversation like this at one time or another!)
A dear friend of mine once gave me a tip that I always find helpful in confrontations: Frame your phrases as "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, instead of saying "You're always talking to me when I'm clearly working," you could say something like, "When I'm working and you start talking to me, I feel frustrated because, as much as I enjoy talking with you, I've set aside this time to work." The words we choose in confrontation set the tone of the discussion and can have a big impact on the ultimate outcome.
It sounds as if you and your roommate have a lovely relationship, and my guess is that she'll appreciate your honesty and want to work with you to find a way of communicating that works better for both of you. Good luck!
